Last weekend was one of the most celebrated events of the Christian tradition. After 40 days of Lent, starting from Ash Wednesday, we had Palm Sunday just the weekend before and then came the most important event: Good Friday and Easter Sunday or Resurrection Sunday.
Every year Christians would celebrate this day as it is the very event that laid the foundations of Christianity - the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, defeating sin and death through the cross and through His resurrection.
This year I was slated to perform for the Easter skit.
I can honestly say I wasn't thrilled about it at first. Not because of the weight of Easter, but because I just didn't want to get myself involved in another production so soon after Christmas. Maybe because I didn't want to be tied down to just performing in church alone.
But over the course of a month that we took to prepare for this, I am moved from a reluctant participant to one who could rejoice in my participation.
God has His mysterious ways.
When I first got the part, I was really feeling a little depressed about missed opportunities. I had just auditioned for a few companies by sending my demo in, but when I sent out the emails, I knew I wasn't going to get it. And I was right. But it left me feeling dejected nonetheless, hence when I was called to sing for Easter, I wasn't feeling enthusiastic at all. I was, in other words, drained and tired.
Then I went for the first rehearsals, still dragging my virtual feet, when I first tasted the grace of God. I started to see a sparkle of passion and enthusiasm the cast had and being in love with the theatre, it was a small delight to see the planning. But I was still largely disinterested.
Then I flew off to Korea for a trip. There, my mom made a remark about thanking God for opportunities and even when you don't feel like serving, you go in with a willing heart nonetheless. Those words pricked me as I reflected on her words. It was true. This is an opportunity to sing and this is for God. People in church are giving me the opportunity and I shouldn't waste it. I didn't ask for this, it was given. So I must serve. Willingly.
When I came back to another bout of rehearsals, I still haven't found my guitarist, so I remembered my new found friend who played for us during Christmas and he immediately said yes. Honestly I was unsure about his acoustic guitar skills since he plays electric guitar most of the time for worship service. But there was that faith in me that knew he could do the job. I remembered his passion and willingness to serve and that inspired me more, especially after we locked down the songs and started practicing.
As I see the production and the story just taking its shape, I was no longer disinterested. Somehow my passion came back and I was determined to make the most out of this God-given opportunity. Then a challenge came. I had to act while I sing. Theatrical singing is never just singing. It requires much more, it requires a certain amount of acting. To me, the first song I had to sing, which was a hymn, was by far one of the most difficult songs I've had to convey. How do you sing "Were You There" in 4 stanzas and coloring it differently for each? I voiced my concern to my director who thought it's not something that I can't do.
Remembering Christmas' production last year, he had faith that I could pull off the acting. I knew I could but it was difficult nonetheless. Last year I had a duet partner. This year I was completely alone. With only a guitar. Last year I at least had a pianist, a violinist and a bassist as well. So I was greatly distressed. And so I knew I had to practice harder. Not only so, since this was an Easter skit, it is bigger! It is about Christ dying and resurrecting again! This is the foundations of our faith and the best time to convey that to non-believers. My concern was that how do I deliver a song that would draw people to Him?
After the first full dress rehearsal, the director really liked my performance, but my weakness is that my performance may be alright now, but during the real day, I would be all nerves and that would be not cool at all.
But my director said something prior to the rehearsals. He said that we are all cracked vessels. None of us are perfect and so we need to let the Holy Spirit fill in the cracks and the gaps.
He was right. It's not my show. It's not about how well I can cry and stifle my voice to imitate a crying voice. It's about serving God and just giving our best to Him. We are not perfect, but God can use the imperfections and make it something totally out of the ordinary.
And I had to sing my lines in phrases so I couldn't take breaths in between words that aren't a phrase. And that was difficult. I had to challenge myself further technically. How do I balance between technical and emotions?
I couldn't do it for the next few final rehearsals so I had to switch the key of the songs, probably exasperating my poor guitarist friend. I still couldn't do it. This was when God provided me with help, in the form of my cell member, who is a professional singer. I have never really talked to her about singing because either my pride was in the way, or what I don't know, but I thought it was awkward to ask about singing techniques and stuff. I didn't think many would be so willing to help. But she did, bless her heart. She gave me some tips, rather, reminded me of the basics which I had already known but have forgotten.
Armed with tips and new strength from God, I could finally do it. Then comes the emotions part again. Finally I surrendered everything to Christ telling Him that He would have to help me on that. Because I know I can't do it on my own.
Again, God works in mysterious ways.
Before the shows on the real day, I prayed that God will use us mightily as vessels for His glory. We've had two performances. One on Saturday and one on Easter Sunday itself.
I didn't do technically well on both days. Sunday was the worst.
Funny when sometimes you pray for God to help to hit the pitch correctly, you'd miss them? Yeah, it was like that. Saturday I was almost outdone by my nerves though it got better. And I knew the emotions were there as well.
But Sunday.
Sunday was a different story. Somehow maybe the day of resurrection itself struck a chord within me, but I was suddenly in a frenzy of emotions. I was feeling teary even before I stepped onto the stage. And so I struggled to control the emotions. But the emotions came flooding out bit by bit, through the unstability of my pitch and then ended off with a total grief. I did not cry nor did tears flow, but my heart was really a mess.
Looking back, I really didn't know what happened except I was reminding myself that I need to color my stanzas. I need to hit the pitch. But the emotions part, really how it came to be, still boggles me. I can only explain that God was working in me as He is working in the hearts of those who listened.
I thought back to the cross when Jesus died, how He died a painful death, for our sins. On Good Friday, He died for our pride, our sins and our selfishness. Then when He was laid in the tomb, it was the finality. Someone who loved us so much, died for us.
When it was time to sing the second song which was about Christ, a risen Savior, I was still reeling from the emotions of the first song. But I had to remind myself that Christ has risen and Christ has overcome. That day I could sing those lyrics true to my heart. Though my pitch failed, though I was technically weaker than Saturday, I could testify that God is truly stronger and that Christ has really overcome.
After the service, many people came up to me and was commenting on how powerful the first song was. I could only credit it back to God. I remember after singing the first round, I murmured a quick confession to God that I wasn't focused on Him but was thinking about my techniques and the coloring of the stanzas. On Saturday I had relied on Him but Sunday it seemed as if I forgot.
And God works in mysterious ways.
I could only say that this experience caused me to acknowledge that He alone deserves the glory. I always believed that with my weakness in my technicalities, God will somehow use me anyway. This gift and these opportunities to sing will always be credited back to God only because without Him, I wouldn't have done it.
So all in all, it's Christ alone. The One who deserves all the glory.
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