I don't know who reads this blog.
It doesn't matter.
I find it more and more difficult to keep a written journal, so I decided, eh, why not just type it out.
The thing about digital is that storage can be gone. There could be many backups, but it may just disappear one day. At a click of a mouse, at a virus, at a global Internet meltdown...whatever you can think of.
Either way, I will still write down what I need to write down.
It's been a difficult and challenging yet crazy and perhaps exciting past few months. Ever since I switched jobs, I have been stretched to almost maximum. I was torn between ministry and work. I questioned myself a lot. I sacrificed a lot and didn't know what to do with all of the time spent. I've woke up in the morning, stare at the ceiling and wondered if I was doing the right thing.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my job. I think it's really exciting to learn new things under new bosses and in a new environment. It's been a great 6 months since August to be driving myself in learning new ways of doing things and discovering for myself strengths and weaknesses I've not known before.
But I was really busy. Not only that, September was the time when one of the ministries I served in started the second year of classes and which I am involved directly in. It was difficult trying to coordinate work, ministry and cell together. It was also the time when cell was having their annual cell retreat and I was one of the core organizers. It was difficult to juggle. And it really didn't help when I was discovering my affections for a certain person.
I frankly did not enjoy myself in September. I was tired out and people were trying to get me to relax, but how could I relax if things need to be done? I'm a bona fide Martha. I know that. But to me, my joy did not matter more than other people's joy. I guess I had a warped perception of joy.
Then October came. Fell sick for the first time since a long while. Thank God I recovered in time for my performance. But that is also when Christmas production started. Oh boy. That was a tough journey to be on. To juggle between work, trying not to fail at it, as well as producing the production. There were tears and difficult nights. But boy, oh boy, what a lesson I reaped.
My affections for the certain someone was crushed some when in October or November, I can't remember. With deadlines looming and greater responsibility on my shoulders, it was difficult to have my emotions in a rollercoaster. I wish all these could stop so I could take a breather. All the more I was trying to avoid people and desperately needing time for myself.
In the midst of that, I abandoned God somewhat. I didn't stop praying per se, I just complained and tried to bury my face in the ground where people would just stop talking to me and leave me alone, God included.
Funny how God will lead you back to Him when you stray. Whilst after production, December was more of a breather, I was still like Martha. Working, working, working. Even for Christmas presents, I was working, working, working. However, in December, I wasn't going to let this constant whirlwind take over my life.
Hence, I decided to call it the 'live, love, laugh' month. I felt as if I wasn't living, i was just trudging along. I felt as if I wasn't loving enough, that I was unforgiving and without compassion. I felt I wasn't laughing enough, because frankly, I had no joy. Work, to some extend, was a distraction, a release from having the need to love the people I love. Not that I don't like my colleagues, it's just that work was an easier excuse.
My friends, bless their hearts, were very encouraging. So December got by quite smoothly, sorta.
Then January came and my dear friend's wedding was one of the weekends. 2013 was the year I instituted the whole 'live, love, laugh' as my resolution, or life motto, whatever you want to call it.
It was really difficult.
I thought I have gotten over the certain someone. But I had not. My friend's wedding was a reminder of the person and how I have been longing and how I have been hurt. It was also the time when my friends grew comfortable with me being always busy, always Martha-ish and always poking fun at my own self due to my constant absence. And I was alone. I felt really alone.
Work grew. My responsibilities in work grew as well. I started to find excuses to skip social gatherings and cell. Work-related of course.
I was moving in a slow downward spiral. Yet at the same time, I was drawing back to God. Emotions were getting the best of me and I was angry at myself, bitter at people and I knew the answer could only solved by God alone.
So I sought Him, but in a selfish manner, again. I resented the idea of marriage, I was turning cold, even though I know in my mind that I mustn't let myself turn cold. I was tired and I was starting to take work a little for granted.
Those were some difficult weeks, yet God was there for me all the time.
I finally confessed my dilemma and my frustrations to my cell leader on Sunday after my MAG. She was understanding. She could identify and I believed that I was getting better.
And I was. To some extend. I decided to not work on the weekends, although I just casually did some small research. I decided to let rest be rest. And I started to make time for God, sorta. I understood the verse that when we confess our sins to one another, we find healing. I was finding healing. It was pretty amazing and astounding. My answer was there all along and yet I was blind to see it, until I really confessed it.
I was affirmed by God, knowing that He has a purpose and plan for me. I wasn't going to be alone. I wasn't going to walk this journey without Him holding my hand. If I were to become the woman He has created me to be, He will see me through. Right beside me.
Monday I joined a women conference that themed on submission. I find submission a really un-feminine word because of so much connotations that carries with it. But I realised, like so many other women in the room, I believed in a lie. Submission is not being a doormat. It's not being inferior and just obeying. It is done at an equal standing, to voluntarily give up my rights to do what is right in order to build a corporate goal. It is voluntarily. It is not forced. I can still have my opinions and speak them out, but I still submit to authority.
It was an eye-opener, especially when the speaker, bless her heart, spoke about submission can only be done when we are secure of who we are. I was not secure. I was ready to fend off and defend myself all the time. I was prepared to argue my case and stubbornly stick to my decisions. And I was easily hurt when I over-analyze a situation and based my emotions on one person's response. It was tiring because I was insecure. I expect the other person to be perfect, but he is also flawed. He is also a sinner, saved by grace, as I am a sinner, saved by grace.
And I don't need to be someone else. I don't need to compare who I am with other women. Sure, they can cook better, but that's just training and some talent. I don't know if I have the talent yet because I never practiced. Sure, they may be more gentle, but their gifting is different.
What blessed me the most was to really come back before God and knowing that my self-worth is in Him. And He is the most perfect. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. He will never find me an abhorrent creature because Jesus' blood has covered me. He has clothed me with His righteousness.
And when I look back at the past few months of pain, hurt and confusion, I now know that He is preparing me for a work greater than now, a ministry greater than now. I just needed to go through that stretching phase to come to a low point in my life in order to see how else I can manage that...with God's strength and grace.
The future will not be easier. Life is tough. But He is tougher. Hurts and wounds will come, but He will redeem, He will heal. And I believe that the healing process has begun since Sunday when He opened my tongue to confess my hurts.
I am still forgiving myself. I am still forgiving those who have hurt me. I am still choosing to let go. Once I head back to work, I will find that I would be back in the cauldron. But at least now I'm convinced that I will make it through. Because this God of mine is faithful. I am secure. No matter what people say, I am still a child of God. Of great worth. Apple of His eye. I am still learning that.
And now, also understanding God's purpose of marriage, I am convinced that it is a gift from God. I'm learning to open up my hands to receive the gift. I think, it's a beautiful gift. Because it's two sinners, saved by grace, learning to build one another to reach heaven. It's going to be tough because I may sound idealistic, but I think if both man and wife are willing to learn, I think it'll be easier.
I think that will be a beautiful journey.
But first, security in Him. So help me God.
Live.
Love.
Laugh.
Amen.
