또 돌아왔네

다시 시작인가?

한년전에 포기했었는 블로그이 지금 또 시작인거야?

내가...돌아왔니?

Losing Grasp

Let's not start with the "I meant to update this blog but..." stuff. Too cliche.

Lately I've been losing grip with my emotions. I find myself losing reins of them.

Don't like it one bit.

Or maybe I should learn to accept myself for who I am.

But I still don't like it one bit.

As of now.

*

If only you could see the conflict between my head and heart. I cannot betray my head yet my heart is wanting to be on the sleeve for you to see. So I have to choose my head this time. Sorry, heart. You will have to get a grip on yourself. I won't let you take the reins again. I hope if that day ever comes, you will be a beautiful ballet dancer and not me with two left feet.

*

I need to invest in a pair of underwater/waterproof mp3 player. Swimming without music makes me want a soundtrack.

Revisiting

I think if I had to count the number of posts about my crossroads from the very beginning when I started blogging, it would be a handful.

Yet here I am again, revisiting my old problem with new maps.

I used to trust my instincts when I make decisions. Now I over think my decisions and really hope to make the best choice. Maybe it's because I realised that time is so important and there isn't really much time left. Maybe I just didn't want to face reality, that life will have more difficult decisions. It will never be always just about what to eat, or what clothes to wear, or to take it more seriously, what toy to ask the parents to buy.

God, it's me again, asking for the same thing again. Help.

Moving On

When I was 17, I thought I wanted to save the world, or at least be part of saving the world. I had grand dreams, ambitions that are far beyond my reach. When I was 17, nothing was impossible.

When I was 19, I still had the same dreams. In fact, my dreams grew bigger because I wanted to be a part of a specific industry to save the world. I wanted to write inspiring thoughts, encouraging rhymes and moving dialogues.

Then uni kinda mellowed me down a lot. I realised life was not as grandiose as it seems and many things don't often go the way you want them to. Working with people made me realised that there are more to my idealistic fanfare.

Now I'm moving into my late 20s. Growing up, working, bearing responsibilities...it's a choice of how I respond to the different transitions and challenges that come my way. Do I bear? Do I pick up? Do I leave and run away? When I was younger, I thought I had lots of choices in life and I'd never regret any, but now in my late 20s, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to wonder what life would be if I had thrown caution to the wind and took another path? Or another? Or another?

Then I have to look forward, pick my battles, win some, lose some. Struggle through relationships, friendships and facing me in my own mirror. What I used to laugh at, I now sober up and go on a philosophical argument with myself, or vice versa.

I will keep on wondering about my choices. Love some, regret some. But when it's time to move on, I may drag my feet and cry murder, but at least every new day I will always have a surprise. Maybe I am more disciplined today, maybe I'm less tomorrow. Maybe I've understood my friend better yesterday, and then maybe I'd argue with her today. A surprise may not always be pleasant, but at least it shows that I'm living and that I'm moving. Whether I'm moving backwards (God forbid!) or moving forwards, it's an ebb and flow of life which I may seem to resign to for now, but perhaps one day, the strong undercurrents will find its way to move me back to my idealism. Or even better, to stronger, more passionate and more purposeful thoughts (maybe add more structure to it) and actions.

Amateur?

I'm inspired by amateur street performers because they are bold and unafraid to perform in public, even if there are no audience and even if they don't get paid. These people are really in for their passion.

Discipline

I don't remember when was the last time I blogged so fervently. I guess it's good to be writing my thoughts down?

Yesterday my colleague introduced me to this fitness blog. Honestly, while I don't mind reading them, the level of commitment they have towards fitness can be a little too obsessive to me. But I was intirgued and while I don't agree with everything the blogger writes in there, perhaps they are more doubts than outright disagreement, the author does have a point in keeping fit.

This reminds me of what a popular singer in Korea said when she was interviewed about her exercise regime. She works out everyday at the gym for about 2 hours. She said she loves singing so much so she is sure to keep her body physically fit to fuel her passion. Because honestly, being physically well and fit really does help one's singing. Our vocal cord is so dependent on the body's condition. If we are tired, people can hear the fatigue in the voice without even looking at us.

While I don't think it necessary to be overly buff and rippling, as some people do go to lengths of making sure that happens, I do think it's really good to be working out. You feel fresher, you feel like you can do a lot more things than being sedentary and you do see the benefits in the long run. I actually feel more confident after working out especially when I can see results.

That being said, I am still a far long way off from getting a fit body. But I hope to continue. I may not end up buff but at least I'll be fit. I can have a longer lasting stamina, as it is becoming evident in my singing. I'm glad I took swimming classes and now I can at least swim, even if it's just breaststroke and freestyle (which I still struggle).

But this is the caveat: exercising requires discipline. Keeping fit requires discipline. It's like taking care of your face. Cleanse, tone, moisturize. But you have to do this everyday (and more) so that your skin will display the result. Same goes for exercising...well, same goes for anything, really. Discipline is a practice I long struggle with. I still fail from time to time. I think maybe virtually from hour to hour! Procrastination is still a very big part of me. But I am going to overcome this! By God's help, I will overcome this sin that has entangled with me too long. Procrastination leads to complacency and that leads to mediocrity. God did not create us to be half of us. We have unique places within the body of Christ, each with its own purpose.

So, accept no mediocrity. Start with discipline. You reap what you sow. And with discipline, all of us will definitely feel better once the fruit is tasted. It may take a long time to fulfill, and that gets to us, because everything is instant nowadays. But work on it day by day and it will come.

Talking about discipline, I should be disciplined about my sleeping time. Hee.

First! A comment which I hate.

Hello.

I guess it is time for me to restart my writing. I'm sure this will not last long, as with all my other ventures. Perhaps it will. But I doubt it.

But I definitely need to recover from my Facebook and Twitter writings as they are mostly atrocious in its grammar. With the ease of speed, we are perhaps lazier to bother checking our grammar. Hmph. I'm sure I have committed some already in this one short post.

I mentioned to myself before that I really missed writing. As in, proper writing. Songwriting is great, but it is another form of writing. The form that I'm talking about is longer sentences, paragraphs, and essays. A place where I can virtually verbal vomit without caring about rhyme nor poetic expression.

This is here. A place where I will verbal vomit. It may not sound exactly very appetizing, but at least it helps to grow my taste. Somehow, to be honest, social networking, has rendered my ability to express to only for a span of some 20 expressions.

I will try to write more. It may be controversial. It may be shallow; it may even change your mood in just one post, from the first word to the last dot.

Pictures are expressive, but I have realised that I am better a photo critic and admirer than a proper photographer. I tend to take pictures like a tourist. But that is just due to lack of practice I'm sure. Although I have to admit that my sense of perspective have dwindled somewhat. Due to the lack of willpower to observe with child-like wonder. I should get back to that.

But I won't angst. I hope not. I don't think I have come to that age to carelessly complain about my hair or my emotional days. I hope I won't have emotional days which cry "Twilight", God forbid. Then again, I never liked "Twilight". I'm sorry to see such a beautiful description of light to be forever associated with a pasty vampire and his desperate girlfriend. Wait. I just cried angst. *shrugs

Okay. I will try to refrain from being too sarcastic about people's obsession. Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, though if I ever refer to pop culture, which I definitely would, I will be bias.

I love this! As I re-read my post, it just shows how scattered my mind is. Hopefully I will write more cohesive, less sarcastic, and more focused thoughts.