Revisiting

I think if I had to count the number of posts about my crossroads from the very beginning when I started blogging, it would be a handful.

Yet here I am again, revisiting my old problem with new maps.

I used to trust my instincts when I make decisions. Now I over think my decisions and really hope to make the best choice. Maybe it's because I realised that time is so important and there isn't really much time left. Maybe I just didn't want to face reality, that life will have more difficult decisions. It will never be always just about what to eat, or what clothes to wear, or to take it more seriously, what toy to ask the parents to buy.

God, it's me again, asking for the same thing again. Help.

God's Perfect Timing

I believe that God really like to bring us to places that pushes us to trust in Him.

It's been a wonderful journey.

I had the opportunity to appear in TV for the very first time. It was both exciting and I was nervous to bits. I thanked God for the opportunity.

Then it was taken away. They needed less people so I couldn't be a part of it anymore.

Needless to say, I was disappointed. Thanks to Google, I searched on Christian articles that deals with disappointments. An article puts it aptly, "Let's receive success and failures with grace."

Ah, grace. Grace is a mark of humility. I decided to pray about this, saying that it's God's plan. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

With that performance down, I can also focus on other stuff, which is just as well. I think to myself that perhaps God has other plans and maybe this is not a road that I will walk upon.

Dealt with that in a day, not depressed over it or anything, which on hindsight, it's really the grace of God that is increasing daily in my life. In the past, I would have cried or be depressed and would have asked God "why??". Perhaps due to a recent conference, sitting with Ravi Zacharias as he expounds on the problem of pain, has taught me. Like Job, there is pain, but the question to ask God is "Is there a view that I do not have?"

I think the view is God is sovereign. God has His plans, always. That is the kind of God that I have. Always faithful, always knowing the best.

Unfortunately, I still slacked a bit in my training because of this, but thank God I kept my diet free from snacks and stuff.

Then on Friday morning, I got a message to ask whether I am available to come back in because one person had to pull out. I couldn't believe my eyes. Here is God, giving me back the opportunity. Cannot thank Him enough.

So the most important lesson that I've learn from this journey is not how to sing confidently on TV and with a bunch of fantabulous singers, or how confident the emcee is. It's that God always has a plan and He knows exactly what He is doing. Sometimes He takes away to teach us a view that we do not have and cannot see, so that in the end, like the blind man who, when he removed the mud from his eyes, can see.

And that is the beauty of the Lord.

Moving On

When I was 17, I thought I wanted to save the world, or at least be part of saving the world. I had grand dreams, ambitions that are far beyond my reach. When I was 17, nothing was impossible.

When I was 19, I still had the same dreams. In fact, my dreams grew bigger because I wanted to be a part of a specific industry to save the world. I wanted to write inspiring thoughts, encouraging rhymes and moving dialogues.

Then uni kinda mellowed me down a lot. I realised life was not as grandiose as it seems and many things don't often go the way you want them to. Working with people made me realised that there are more to my idealistic fanfare.

Now I'm moving into my late 20s. Growing up, working, bearing responsibilities...it's a choice of how I respond to the different transitions and challenges that come my way. Do I bear? Do I pick up? Do I leave and run away? When I was younger, I thought I had lots of choices in life and I'd never regret any, but now in my late 20s, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to wonder what life would be if I had thrown caution to the wind and took another path? Or another? Or another?

Then I have to look forward, pick my battles, win some, lose some. Struggle through relationships, friendships and facing me in my own mirror. What I used to laugh at, I now sober up and go on a philosophical argument with myself, or vice versa.

I will keep on wondering about my choices. Love some, regret some. But when it's time to move on, I may drag my feet and cry murder, but at least every new day I will always have a surprise. Maybe I am more disciplined today, maybe I'm less tomorrow. Maybe I've understood my friend better yesterday, and then maybe I'd argue with her today. A surprise may not always be pleasant, but at least it shows that I'm living and that I'm moving. Whether I'm moving backwards (God forbid!) or moving forwards, it's an ebb and flow of life which I may seem to resign to for now, but perhaps one day, the strong undercurrents will find its way to move me back to my idealism. Or even better, to stronger, more passionate and more purposeful thoughts (maybe add more structure to it) and actions.

Amateur?

I'm inspired by amateur street performers because they are bold and unafraid to perform in public, even if there are no audience and even if they don't get paid. These people are really in for their passion.

A Lesson On Humility

What happens when something you thought so sure comes right back to smack you on the face?

I believe God was teaching me precisely about that in the last weekend itself.

Looking back, I realised I was like the fox that ate sour grapes. I was not confident but I pretended to be.

What happens when everything you are sure of gets stripped away?

Then you are left in that empty shell of nothingness.

I went out pretentious, I left with brokenness.

Looking back, God was teaching me that failures are inevitable. Things can break me. I may not be as strong as I appear to be. Because that is when God precisely wants me to look to Him and depend fully on Him. COMPLETELY.

I'm so used to successes that when failures come I am shocked. But I think He wants to strip my false confidence away and reveal what an ass I can really be, then truly be so broken that He can use me.

Forgive me Lord for being so proud. You alone are to be glorified and I am really but a wretch. But Your grace is sufficient for me and You bring down the proud but lifts the lowly. Those who fear You, You will not forsake. Lord I am in anguish but I know You are teaching me that failing doesn't mean it's the end of the world. I know You are teaching me to accept failures and defeats with grace and humility. Help me to work harder. Help me to practice day in day out. Help me to be humble and be compassionate. Break the pride within me. In the end, all is for You. It's Your glory that I should pursue, not mine. Teach me that Lord.

Gifted

This boy is so young yet his voice packs a punch. At the same time, you know that this is not just a voice, it's a gift. Blown absolutely away by this kid. And what does he do with his voice? He praises God, the One who gave him the voice. When I hear him singing, I can't help but acknowledge that this is not just human effort. This is God-anointed.

So inspiring, so humbling, so thankful for voices that are used to praise God. May he continue to praise God with his voice, because God deserves the best.

Yes, I said it like that. God deserves the best.

Summer Is Over

But summer is over
We were tangled in the morning sun
Felt you getting colder
And we knew that we would come undone
And it’s back to my town, back to your life
Gray skies are blowing a kiss goodbye to the lovers
‘Cause summer is over.
- Summer Is Over, Jon McLaughlin ft. Sara Bareilles