Perfectionism

By sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.

With the facade of a cheerful demeanor, I placed myself at the center of my misery.

What good is there in the end, but a crushed spirit and a broken resolve, left to its own devices. We push ourselves to pretend that we are okay, only to nurse a suffocating soul within. Before we know it, we gradually become asphyxiated, losing our vision of what is clear and our ears muddied in their hearing.

I often choke when I'm faced with my weaknesses. And these are only external weaknesses, that one can perceive but have hardly the ability to distinguish the real worms of destruction, gnawing away. Like maggots that feast on dying flesh, I often ignore the lies that seek their way in, or have already found an abode in my soul.

I'm reminded recently once again that I have explored this wound before. It's my black dog, the one that comes to haunt me every now and then. I always thought my wounds have healed, only to find out that I often pick at the scabs, unknowingly opening yet another opportunity for infestation and infection.

Oh I have tried so hard to resist and to be patient. I've tried to rely on the doctor, but before the surgery can begin, I freak out, thought I knew better, and ran away. So the wound stays infested.

Of course it has been better. I have less of those episodes for the past few years and I've always managed to overcome it because of the promise that I am more than a conqueror, due to the power of My Savior in me.

However, when the occasion arises when I start to believe in my own abilities of self-medicating, the wounds start to open up again. Then I find myself back in my pain and my sorrow, with added guilt and misplaced pride.

It's in these times when my spirit is crushed, I am thankful that my Savior wouldn't let me wallow for too long. But yet He gives me time as well. Lovingly, He'd watch from afar and see how far I would want to go to the edge of the cliff, without Him. With a gentle knock, I would fall and see that this particular cliff is only but a wave that washes away my carefully built sandcastle. My sand fortress crumbles to reveal the emptiness of my foundation and the frailty of my nature as human. I was too busy building the sand fortress to their exact dimensions and density, that I forgot about the material on which the fortress was build with.

During then, I could either sulk and rage over the wave or fall into a spiral of dejection over my miscalculations, my careful plans. But this Savior would pick me up, brush off the sand that are stuck to my hands and show me that He has a better idea. The idea of Him already build the house on the rock for me and all I needed to do was just to receive His invitation to claim the house as my own. However, I may stay there for a while and then I might think the outside world is a better place, so I go out and misplace the key. Again and again and again. Yet He will always produce the key again and invite me back home. Nowadays He would quickly knock the sandcastle down and produce the key because I already know the drift. I would always be grateful that He still gives me the key. No questions asked. Just the invitation to come home to the house on the rock that He has built. Even if I find myself unworthy to take the key from Him, He gives it to me anyway, telling me that the house is mine to dwell, no matter how many times I misplace the key. As long I come home. As long I let Him lead me home.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Rom 8:1

I need to meditate on that verse more and more.

Ebullient

I haven't been reading Owl City's Adam Young's blog for a while. I really like reading his blog because he writes with a lot of heart and thought. I noticed that many artists I like do write eloquently and with a certain degree of mature insight. Even if it is an emotional post, they paint their emotions so well with words without being overly emotional. You can just feel their pain or their excitement just by the choice of words they use. Or maybe that IS why I like them. I hope one day I will write as eloquently as them, paint my emotions with words. Someday. Someday.

But that's not the reason for this post.

Young recently wrote a post about loving Christ so much that the joy of his dreams, passions and ministry PALES when they are compared to the beauty of knowing Christ.

I admit I often slip to the other extreme, and placing God in the outer circle of my passions. Like I try so hard to separate Him from my other passions. "Oh, we're doing secular songs this round, so erm, I don't know how to glorify Him, so let's just leave it at that." "Oh, we're singing in church. Holy holy holy."

I know it is quite normal to experience this sort of discord, but like Young, I want to move from being passionate about my gifts and ministry alone, to be so much more passionate, if not, most passionate about the Saviour of my soul.

I want to have my mind blown every time I hear and read about Him. I want to be bubbling with so much joy (ebullient!) each time I get to know Him more. Like how He is ebullient when He thinks of His children. If heaven can rejoice over one who repents, it must be that God loves us so much to throw a party each and every time someone turns back to Him.

I need to love You more.


Young's ebullient article here: http://owlcityblog.com/2012/06/04/ebullient/

Bright Lights & Cityscapes

Sometimes I wish I can dance. Right now I will only watch the figurines in my mind. Watch an unveiling of a desiring heart. A hand that reaches out hungrily. A tear that falls from the corner of her eye.

Somehow deep inside, there's a voice calling, "Don't go."

[ekah cover] Mate - Now Again

I was talking about Mate yesterday, and I covered their song yesterday! Hehe.

It's not perfect especially that last part there. Don't know why I did that. Haha. But it's all good.

Lyrics here:

흐릿해져 가요 싸늘하기만한 눈물
무너져 내린 기억은 어떡해야만 하나요
어떡해야만 할까요
지쳐가나 봐요 어둠 속에 흔들리던
떨리는 작은 어깨를 잡아줄 순 없나요
하나 둘 소리없이 모두 그대 곁을 떠나도
걱정하지 말아요 내가 그대의 곁에 있을께

깨져버린 마음 그 틈으로 새어 들던
빛나는 그대의 꿈을 기억할 수 있나요
하나 둘 소리 없이 모두 그대 곁을 떠나도
걱정하지 말아요 항상 그대의 손을 잡아줄테니
저 거친 세상들 속에 맞선 작은 꿈을 보아요
언젠가 펼쳐질 그대의 날들이 환히 빛날 수 있게

먼 훗날 눈부시게 빛날 그대의 하루하루 끝에
환한 미소 줄 수 있도록

저 거친 세상들 속에 맞선 작은 꿈을 보아요
언젠가 펼쳐질 그대의 날들이 환히 빛날 수 있게
내가 항상 곁에 있을께


Still hazy about the translation, but the song is about saying that I'll be there for you even when times are tough.

So now, again, I will be there for you always.

Mate

If I ever joined a singing competition and they asked me to sing a song from my "idol", I would have a hard time convincing the judges. It is either Sara Bareilles for the English song or Tanya Chua for the Chinese or Mate for the Korean.

Mate. 메이트.

I think people who follow me on Twitter and Facebook would be screaming if they hear another word about Mate.

Truth is, I don't know why I love them so much. I just do.

Is it because of their arrangements? Possibly. Is it because of their singing? Not really since they aren't technically superb singers (though they are better than many). Is it because of their cute drummer? Eh, not really. I mean Hyun-Jae is cute and can play a mean drum, but he's not the sole reason why I love Mate.

I think Mate is just that kind of ice cream that you can't really describe the flavor but you just like it a lot.

Mate consists of three guys (poor bassist):

Jung Jun-il 정준일 - vocals, keyboards
Im Heon-il 임헌일 - vocals, guitar
Lee Hyun-Jae 이현재 - drums


Interview with Yoo Hee Yeol.

Honestly, this is a group that I couldn't care less about their appearance, their charisma, their birth dates, favorite pet, etc. This is that kind of group that the talent mattered the most. Now now, I'm not saying that liking Super Junior or Big Bang are entirely for superficial reasons. I know Siwon is good looking and TOP is hot, but that's another matter altogether. Not that I remember their birthdays either. I'm that much of a non-fan. Teehee.

Back to the point. Mate's that group that has the voices that blends with their compositions as well as arrangements that just gets me in a puddle of goo. I think it's because they write and arrange everything. They write well, they sing well, they arrange well. Their lyrics aren't entirely original in the sense of ideas and expression though I am too lazy to try to decipher every song. Besides, excellent lyrics come from Tablo and Mithra of Epik High. But their lyrics are poetic enough, for the ones I know. At least this is one group that doesn't just sing about love. (Ironically, their title song for their mini album is All About Love...haha.) They do talk about chasing your dreams (하늘을 날아 - Flying In The Sky), standing beside you when you feel like the world is falling (이제 다시 - Now Again), saying thank you to their fans (Dear My Mate) and conquer the worlds (Yeah).



Mate doesn't stray too far away from their styles for the past few albums, though they do surprise you still. Even if 안녕 (Goodbye) from the first album sounds like 이제 다시 (Now Again), even if 늦은 아침 (Late Morning) sounds similar to 긴 시간의 끝에 (At The End of A Long Time)..they still surprise me. All the time. I always find something new. Even if Mate is currently on break since Heon-il is in the army, Jun-il released his solo L9o3ve4rs (Lovers) and his compositions sound similar to the contributions in Mate...it is still different. It's not boring. I can listen to their album again and again. And they get better with each album.

I think their latest album "Play" (their OST to their movie of the same name, released in 2011) is the best. Of course I'm bias as anything, since to be honest, Mate has only released 3 albums. Hahaha.

In "Play", they kind of departs from their usual style found in the first album "Be Mate", adding edgier rock sounds but at the same time, you hear it and you know it's so Mate. (In the interview posted above, 'Yeah' and 'Run' are from their 'Transform' single which portrayed a more edgier rock sound but they said this was their natural sound. Doesn't matter to me. I think the two songs are great like the rest.)



The funny thing about Mate is that until now, I still can't really differentiate between Heon-il's voice with Jun-il's voice. Both have similar texture to their voices, which is good and not. Good because the song feels like one. Bad because I can't tell the difference! LOL. So much for being a fan. I kinda get that Heon-il's voice is clearer, whereas Jun-il's voice has more resonance. Heon-il tends to emphasize his ㅅ (s'es) so when he does that, then I'd know it's him. But most of the time, I'm clueless. I think it's because Jun-il carries the songs for most of the time. Here in 이제 다시, Jun-il kinda sings from chorus till the end when Heon-il only sings about one verse at the start. Hee.



One instance when I was watching Kpop Star and one of the contestants Yun Hyeon-Sang sang a song from Lee So-ra, who's another force to be reckoned with. He sang '바람이 분다' (The Wind Blows) and when the song plays, the rearrangement reminded me of Mate. It's not exactly how they would arrange it, but it does sound like it would fit their style completely (especially the starting bit. The end bit would have been rearranged to Mate style fully). And Jun-il would have blew that song to pieces with that kind of arrangement. Not putting down Hyeon-Sang but I immediately thought of Jun-il and his strong voice would carry this song much better. :))

Link to the song. Can't embed it.

Mate can do both rock songs and ballads. Heon-il and Jun-il's voices can carry both genres well and I guess that's what makes their albums exciting. Of course many artists do that, but somehow Mate's way of rearranging them gets me. Their rock songs would be up-tempo and loud, then their ballads will be so quiet.




To the extend of buying their movie drama 'Play' just because Mate is starring in it (almost gonna be so tempted to buy Shut Up Flower Boy Band because of Hyun-Jae being one of the main leads, though my bias is not Hyun-Jae. It's Jun-il, even with his orange hair!) kinda seals the deal for me.

I don't even care if I don't know their birth dates. As long they keep on releasing new albums I'm happy. That's the kind of fandom I'm in for Mate.


헌일 오빠, 빨리 돌아와요!

Practice practice practice

It's already June. Can anyone believe that?

Time and tide waits for no man.

I was wondering about a verse this morning from Ecclesiastes 11.

Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let your hands not be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well. (v6)

Reminds me that I should be more proactive in my time management, because I've been slacking with my training since work in the day time often leave me tired and just want to chill. But after watching Kpop Star (more like watching 4 episodes in one day), I'm determined once again. These kids on the program are younger than me but they worked so hard. Even though the weight of the competition and the burden of overnight fame is upon their young shoulders, they still pressed on.

It's not entirely healthy I must say (the process, that is), but the level of dedication they give to their love for music is commendable enough. Not only that, most have really steady technique. Where they lack in technique, they make up with their sincerity of feelings.

It's also through the show that I have utter respect for JYP. I've said this on my Facebook and it's true. I used to find him odd, but there really is some method to his madness. His obsession towards music may be a little beyond what I would do (the SAME personal schedule for the past 17 or so years), but I could always find his comments helpful though confusing if you didn't know the basics already - Technique alone is not enough, sometimes you need to let go and drown in the song; technique's important in order to sing freely (in regards to breathing); read the lyrics like you would a movie script, not a song, etc.

To be honest, Yang Hyun-Suk's analogies are helpful as well but I kinda lost it when he talked about baseball, because I have no clue about baseball. Not to mention that every time he made an analogy with food, I'm just thinking about the food. The best comment that BoA gave was when she said that when she was 16 and alone in Japan, she hated it when people said she could do it "because she's BoA". It reflected on her humanity. For someone who has debuted since 13 (she's now 26), a lot of years she had to spend it alone and even though people were saying that because they were confident in her, she loathed the comment as it gave her so much burden to exceed expectations. I think that's very brave to own up to that moment of weakness in public TV, showing a glimpse of how she could have given it all up because of the burdens that were upon her. Sad life, an entertainer's life is.

Anyway, back to topic. I always want to sing like the Koreans do (mind you, not so much the idols, but the veterans who have been crooning ballads) because when they sang, they sang with as much emotions as if they were singing their life story. At the same time, they possess really strong technique. You can listen to their voice again and again because their voice tone is just full of color. Added the emotions and bam! they speak right into your soul.

I guess that's why a lot of soundtracks get popular. Because even if international fans didn't understand the lyrics, the songs and the way they were sung hit the right notes of the emotions.

And though talent is very much in their game, their hard work is one that really pushed the limits. I remember Jung Yeop of Brown Eyed Soul mentioning that he didn't think he had a great voice, so he practiced day and night. I remember Bada (formerly of idol group S.E.S) would practice deep into the night and got arrested once for disturbing the neighbors! Look where their voices put them now. Jung Yeop sings for a lot of soundtracks and his songs are some of the most soulful hits. Bada is known as one of the best singers in Korea.

I can name a whole lot more. And it's not just ballad singers. Hip hop singers, electronica singers, and even idol singers (who I think work the hardest because of the image they just have to uphold in international arena) work their butts off.

I don't know how they do it. They don't seem to sleep even though everyone says that sleep is important to the voice. They would practice till 3 am, memorizing the lyrics and choreography, etc. It's crazy. So crazy.

But I'm inspired by their tenacity. No matter how ugly the industry is, and you may have people who are in just for the fame, but many of them are passionate about what they do. And that is what keeps them going. The music industry in Korea changes quickly. One day you're in, and the next day you're out (to quote Heidi Klum). So what do these people do? They keep working hard.

Where does this leave me? I still struggle with my lack of practice. I don't see myself working myself to the core though sometimes I really think I should. But I think that every time I feel like giving up, I will remember these Korean people and inspire myself to work harder. It's a flawed system, to be honest, but the fact that they are working so hard for their passion, reminds me that I should always work hard for my passions.

Revisiting

I think if I had to count the number of posts about my crossroads from the very beginning when I started blogging, it would be a handful.

Yet here I am again, revisiting my old problem with new maps.

I used to trust my instincts when I make decisions. Now I over think my decisions and really hope to make the best choice. Maybe it's because I realised that time is so important and there isn't really much time left. Maybe I just didn't want to face reality, that life will have more difficult decisions. It will never be always just about what to eat, or what clothes to wear, or to take it more seriously, what toy to ask the parents to buy.

God, it's me again, asking for the same thing again. Help.