또 돌아왔네

다시 시작인가?

한년전에 포기했었는 블로그이 지금 또 시작인거야?

내가...돌아왔니?

Sinner Saved By Grace

I don't know who reads this blog.

It doesn't matter.

I find it more and more difficult to keep a written journal, so I decided, eh, why not just type it out.

The thing about digital is that storage can be gone. There could be many backups, but it may just disappear one day. At a click of a mouse, at a virus, at a global Internet meltdown...whatever you can think of.

Either way, I will still write down what I need to write down.

It's been a difficult and challenging yet crazy and perhaps exciting past few months. Ever since I switched jobs, I have been stretched to almost maximum. I was torn between ministry and work. I questioned myself a lot. I sacrificed a lot and didn't know what to do with all of the time spent. I've woke up in the morning, stare at the ceiling and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my job. I think it's really exciting to learn new things under new bosses and in a new environment. It's been a great 6 months since August to be driving myself in learning new ways of doing things and discovering for myself strengths and weaknesses I've not known before.

But I was really busy. Not only that, September was the time when one of the ministries I served in started the second year of classes and which I am involved directly in. It was difficult trying to coordinate work, ministry and cell together. It was also the time when cell was having their annual cell retreat and I was one of the core organizers. It was difficult to juggle. And it really didn't help when I was discovering my affections for a certain person.

I frankly did not enjoy myself in September. I was tired out and people were trying to get me to relax, but how could I relax if things need to be done? I'm a bona fide Martha. I know that. But to me, my joy did not matter more than other people's joy. I guess I had a warped perception of joy.

Then October came. Fell sick for the first time since a long while. Thank God I recovered in time for my performance. But that is also when Christmas production started. Oh boy. That was a tough journey to be on. To juggle between work, trying not to fail at it, as well as producing the production. There were tears and difficult nights. But boy, oh boy, what a lesson I reaped.

My affections for the certain someone was crushed some when in October or November, I can't remember. With deadlines looming and greater responsibility on my shoulders, it was difficult to have my emotions in a rollercoaster. I wish all these could stop so I could take a breather. All the more I was trying to avoid people and desperately needing time for myself.

In the midst of that, I abandoned God somewhat. I didn't stop praying per se, I just complained and tried to bury my face in the ground where people would just stop talking to me and leave me alone, God included.

Funny how God will lead you back to Him when you stray. Whilst after production, December was more of a breather, I was still like Martha. Working, working, working. Even for Christmas presents, I was working, working, working. However, in December, I wasn't going to let this constant whirlwind take over my life.

Hence, I decided to call it the 'live, love, laugh' month. I felt as if I wasn't living, i was just trudging along. I felt as if I wasn't loving enough, that I was unforgiving and without compassion. I felt I wasn't laughing enough, because frankly, I had no joy. Work, to some extend, was a distraction, a release from having the need to love the people I love. Not that I don't like my colleagues, it's just that work was an easier excuse.

My friends, bless their hearts, were very encouraging. So December got by quite smoothly, sorta.

Then January came and my dear friend's wedding was one of the weekends. 2013 was the year I instituted the whole 'live, love, laugh' as my resolution, or life motto, whatever you want to call it.

It was really difficult.

I thought I have gotten over the certain someone. But I had not. My friend's wedding was a reminder of the person and how I have been longing and how I have been hurt. It was also the time when my friends grew comfortable with me being always busy, always Martha-ish and always poking fun at my own self due to my constant absence. And I was alone. I felt really alone.

Work grew. My responsibilities in work grew as well. I started to find excuses to skip social gatherings and cell. Work-related of course.

I was moving in a slow downward spiral. Yet at the same time, I was drawing back to God. Emotions were getting the best of me and I was angry at myself, bitter at people and I knew the answer could only solved by God alone.

So I sought Him, but in a selfish manner, again. I resented the idea of marriage, I was turning cold, even though I know in my mind that I mustn't let myself turn cold. I was tired and I was starting to take work a little for granted.

Those were some difficult weeks, yet God was there for me all the time.

I finally confessed my dilemma and my frustrations to my cell leader on Sunday after my MAG. She was understanding. She could identify and I believed that I was getting better.

And I was. To some extend. I decided to not work on the weekends, although I just casually did some small research. I decided to let rest be rest. And I started to make time for God, sorta. I understood the verse that when we confess our sins to one another, we find healing. I was finding healing. It was pretty amazing and astounding. My answer was there all along and yet I was blind to see it, until I really confessed it.

I was affirmed by God, knowing that He has a purpose and plan for me. I wasn't going to be alone. I wasn't going to walk this journey without Him holding my hand. If I were to become the woman He has created me to be, He will see me through. Right beside me.

Monday I joined a women conference that themed on submission. I find submission a really un-feminine word because of so much connotations that carries with it. But I realised, like so many other women in the room, I believed in a lie. Submission is not being a doormat. It's not being inferior and just obeying. It is done at an equal standing, to voluntarily give up my rights to do what is right in order to build a corporate goal. It is voluntarily. It is not forced. I can still have my opinions and speak them out, but I still submit to authority.

It was an eye-opener, especially when the speaker, bless her heart, spoke about submission can only be done when we are secure of who we are. I was not secure. I was ready to fend off and defend myself all the time. I was prepared to argue my case and stubbornly stick to my decisions. And I was easily hurt when I over-analyze a situation and based my emotions on one person's response. It was tiring because I was insecure. I expect the other person to be perfect, but he is also flawed. He is also a sinner, saved by grace, as I am a sinner, saved by grace.

And I don't need to be someone else. I don't need to compare who I am with other women. Sure, they can cook better, but that's just training and some talent. I don't know if I have the talent yet because I never practiced. Sure, they may be more gentle, but their gifting is different.

What blessed me the most was to really come back before God and knowing that my self-worth is in Him. And He is the most perfect. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. He will never find me an abhorrent creature because Jesus' blood has covered me. He has clothed me with His righteousness.

And when I look back at the past few months of pain, hurt and confusion, I now know that He is preparing me for a work greater than now, a ministry greater than now. I just needed to go through that stretching phase to come to a low point in my life in order to see how else I can manage that...with God's strength and grace.

The future will not be easier. Life is tough. But He is tougher. Hurts and wounds will come, but He will redeem, He will heal. And I believe that the healing process has begun since Sunday when He opened my tongue to confess my hurts.

I am still forgiving myself. I am still forgiving those who have hurt me. I am still choosing to let go. Once I head back to work, I will find that I would be back in the cauldron. But at least now I'm convinced that I will make it through. Because this God of mine is faithful. I am secure. No matter what people say, I am still a child of God. Of great worth. Apple of His eye. I am still learning that.

And now, also understanding God's purpose of marriage, I am convinced that it is a gift from God. I'm learning to open up my hands to receive the gift. I think, it's a beautiful gift. Because it's two sinners, saved by grace, learning to build one another to reach heaven. It's going to be tough because I may sound idealistic, but I think if both man and wife are willing to learn, I think it'll be easier.

I think that will be a beautiful journey.

But first, security in Him. So help me God.



Live.
Love.
Laugh.


Amen.

Lessons Learned

I was attending the church's morning prayer for the past week, save the past two days when I had to rush a deadline (work still unfinished though).

Yet, it was the past two days that I learned a lot from God. I guess praying really does help sharpen the vision and hearing of my spiritman.

So that's the first thing I learned. I am reminded that prayer is powerful and it really helps you spiritually. I really should devote more time to prayer, not just for myself but for the people around me.

Which leads me to the second point, the people around me. I am reminded once again that people around me are facing similar issues or worse in life. I am reminded to not be selfish and think about my own comfort and my need of encouragement. I think by being encouraging to others, putting others first, helps myself in the end.

For instance, I was stressed at work, but I neglect that everyone else are also busy with work and stressed as well. So I need to learn to be less whiny, less snappish and be more positive about everything.

Which leads me to the third thing I learned. I went into the elevator today just in time to witness a storm of a couple arguing, or rather, the lady was shouting at the guy. It was awkward to say the least, but immediately my thoughts turn to prayer for the couple, that they will sort out their differences. I was thinking, that's why I don't want to get involved in a relationship. But somehow the idea doesn't resonate as deeply as it used to be. Perhaps because prayer is part of the equation now. God is sovereign and if we look to Him and have Him as the center of the relationship, I think we can overcome.

Talking about relationships, I need to also learn to be more contributing towards my family, especially my parents. Since I'm the only child staying with my parents, I have to learn to alleviate their stresses as much as possible. Dad couldn't sleep last night due to some issues that's bugging him, but knowing my dad, he's a bit reluctant to say what. As a daughter, I need to learn to love him more. Same goes for my mom. No matter how tired I am, I should always be gentle with her.

Which all leads back to two things: prayer and generousity

Prayer is crucial to open my eyes and ears to hear the things of God and generousity to be unselfish, and to be more aware of the needs of others around me.

Yes, I should have my 'me' time, but we are living in times when time is running out to care for others. So help me God. Taking this one step at a time.

Losing Grasp

Let's not start with the "I meant to update this blog but..." stuff. Too cliche.

Lately I've been losing grip with my emotions. I find myself losing reins of them.

Don't like it one bit.

Or maybe I should learn to accept myself for who I am.

But I still don't like it one bit.

As of now.

*

If only you could see the conflict between my head and heart. I cannot betray my head yet my heart is wanting to be on the sleeve for you to see. So I have to choose my head this time. Sorry, heart. You will have to get a grip on yourself. I won't let you take the reins again. I hope if that day ever comes, you will be a beautiful ballet dancer and not me with two left feet.

*

I need to invest in a pair of underwater/waterproof mp3 player. Swimming without music makes me want a soundtrack.

Sherlock

Picture from Wikipedia

Since everyone is talking about the BBC Sherlock, I might as well hop on the bandwagon.

Warning: Spoilers ahead. Tread with caution.

Also, for the sake of clarity, Sherlock refers to the drama character, Holmes the original canon character. Same goes for John and Watson, respectively.

Suffice to say, it is one of the most brilliant screen adaptations, if not, THE most brilliant screen adaptation of one of the world's most famous fictional sleuth.

With everyone raving stars about it, I turn my thoughts to the criticism I have with the serial.

Of course the show was not perfect. Even the original canon was inconsistent with its own facts. Sir Conan Doyle must have not kept notes about his characters and their characterizations to raise many eyebrows with the continuity errors.

To be honest, I am only nit-picking. The show was all thumbs up and I enjoyed every second of the 90 minute-long episode for all three of the first season. I have not watched the second season. May revisit this post after I have watched them.

Picture from fanpop.com

Maybe I should start with my praises for the show.

1. Cinematography and Directing
I think the directing is one of the most splendid done for mystery serials. It is not cheesy, over the top or even achingly dull. The sharp shots, the different point of views, the parallel camerawork and the color and tone of the episodes marked the scenes with its own pacing even without the writing. I appreciate that the dreary tone of London as described by Conan Doyle (or London's tone is really that dull, I have no say in that) is carried across the episodes. Every scene is dogged by a mysterious aura, and the visuals tend to speak its own stories.

2. Writing
Of course, the main rave for the series really lies in the writing. Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss (who also played Mycroft Holmes), co-creators of the series, really knew how to bring fresh life to a fictional legend that has been adapted to many media. Pacing was substantial (more on that later) and dialogue is quick-witted and sharp. Exactly how the real Holmes would react in most situations. Love the part when Sherlock scolded himself in "The Blind Banker" when he found out that he erred, because it was just like Holmes to chastise himself severely when he made a mistake. And I do like that the dear John Watson is given some smarts but not too much. He is still more humble and more accommodating than Sherlock Holmes himself. I love the juxtaposition of the characters, just as they are in the book.

3. Acting
Ah, Benedict Cumberbatch, you have grown since the last I saw you in Hawkings. You were always memorable because of your unique name. When I found out that you were playing Sherlock, I was excited because I couldn't wait to see you bring life to Holmes. And you played Holmes almost perfectly. Your seeming indifference to human emotion was carefully and skillfully nuanced with your panic when John was in danger. Martin Freeman plays a convincing Watson with some more kickassery in the book, though I always thought Watson to be a heavier man. Hee. Not even dashing Jude Law can change my perception of Watson's build. He carried Watson's easy-to-read emotions well and proved himself to be quite the loyal friend indeed.

Picture from sherlock.boardhost.com

Oh my gosh, that scene where Sherlock just smiles like a proud little boy at his handiwork on the wall, reflecting that silly smiley face on the wallpaper, after being chastised by Mrs. Hudson, is priceless. :)

Now onto the nit-picking.

Unfortunately I am with the critics on the 2nd episode, "The Blind Banker" in terms of pacing and plot, including characterization.

While I appreciate the references to the dancing men, etc, I could not help find it a bit lackluster compared to the pilot which kept me at the edge of my seat. While the deductions of Sherlock were a thrill to watch, the rest of the plot fell a bit flat. It became too easy to predict the next move (like the death of Soo Lin was so predictable), unlike the pilot which still surprises me a little. The characters were also inconsistent (from a heroine to a damsel in distress, that Sarah). I don't know if it was a tongue-in-cheek kind of way to poke at the original canon's continuity errors.

I am still scratching my head till this day as to why a powerfully connected black market trading triad could get such a simple case of identity wrong. I mean, if this was 10 years ago and if the set was set in the 1800s, I think you could have played that trick on the audience. But with the availability of Internet in the show itself and their invisible game master not being an idiot, they should not have gotten John mistaken for Sherlock.

Also, they being Chinese doesn't make them ignorant to technology. After all, if people like Lukis and Van Coon were in their network, surely they'd have someone who is technologically savvy, or at least up to date with the who's who? Besides, have these writers not heard of Level: Asian? ;)

For now, I don't understand what is DI Dimmock's role, other than to look ridiculously smarted and dumb next to Sherlock. Well, in the canon, we've had silly inspectors who are slow in the brain works but lots of brawn. I guess this is what I missed in the series that was not reflected from the canons. Holmes always display his impatience with the Yard, but he only complains about their weaknesses to Watson, though he does praises some of their qualities. There are of course, some times when Holmes pointed out some flaws to the inspectors' faces, but then he really was too busy with the energy of the case to trifle with the slowness of his professional counterparts.

Sherlock displays his impatience really well, though I do believe Holmes has always been more genteel towards Watson because he cherishes Watson's friendship and loyalty. In the series, Sherlock does shows a more friendliness towards John, with his more chattiness when he's with him, and eventually a deeper affection for his friend (although I thought that was a little premature to be appearing in so early a season, but this isn't the canon where you can talk about 10 other different cases before friendships blossom).

Holmes is always courteous but curt. He doesn't apologize but he does show some respect to the tradition and culture of the society then. Maybe due to the series being a modern re-imagining, the culture of society now is less defined, more shades of grey. However, which brought me to the point, again in "The Blind Banker", as to how come Sherlock apologizes when he bumped into the European tourists when he was hot on scent? When Holmes is hot on a scent, he is not one to be distracted by social courtesies, unless he was in a disguise (which we haven't seen Sherlock done any yet!).

Another nit-picking with Sherlock was most probably he saying about "gardens with teddy bear" when he and John were arguing about the Solar System, a nod to "A Study In Scarlet". I don't think Holmes would ever say anything like that for an analogy. I mean, if he could go into a nonsensical but eloquent babble about a rose in "The Naval Treaty", I'm sure "gardens with teddy bears" could have been more eloquent.

I do find the constant references to Sherlock and John edging towards homosexual relations a little tiring. I mean, can't they just be good brothers who are affectionate towards each other but not in a sexual way? If the books could do it, why can't the series do it? I know it's the current culture of London and such, but I do find that this was one that need not be referenced over and over again. Like John's alleged brother who turned out to be his sister. Unless Harry will appear in the future episodes, can we not have the need to make up an excuse of why John does not want to depend on his relative or that to prove that Sherlock isn't always right? I thought him failing a case (which I would presently see it in the loose adaptation of Scandal in Bohemia for Season 2) would be more than suffice to highlight Sherlock's weaknesses. But it's just me. I do think the references could be less.

But again, I am nit-picking. Even though Episode 2 was not as fun as the pilot, "The Great Game" picked up the final leg of the first season with quite a bang. I still don't see how the Bruce-Partington plans has anything to do with Moriarty (though I do suspect that Sherlock has already passed the real stuff to his brother and brought a dummy one, because Sherlock isn't stupid. And he knows Moriarty isn't stupid either. Play the game of intellect my two dear archenemies), but with that enigmatic performance of Moriarty by Andrew Scott, I loved to see the cliffhanger end the season so well.

Onwards to Season 2!

Picture from almostalwaysthinking

Best part of the show was when Sherlock goes deep into thinking and this picture paints a thousand words from his mind

Perfectionism

By sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.

With the facade of a cheerful demeanor, I placed myself at the center of my misery.

What good is there in the end, but a crushed spirit and a broken resolve, left to its own devices. We push ourselves to pretend that we are okay, only to nurse a suffocating soul within. Before we know it, we gradually become asphyxiated, losing our vision of what is clear and our ears muddied in their hearing.

I often choke when I'm faced with my weaknesses. And these are only external weaknesses, that one can perceive but have hardly the ability to distinguish the real worms of destruction, gnawing away. Like maggots that feast on dying flesh, I often ignore the lies that seek their way in, or have already found an abode in my soul.

I'm reminded recently once again that I have explored this wound before. It's my black dog, the one that comes to haunt me every now and then. I always thought my wounds have healed, only to find out that I often pick at the scabs, unknowingly opening yet another opportunity for infestation and infection.

Oh I have tried so hard to resist and to be patient. I've tried to rely on the doctor, but before the surgery can begin, I freak out, thought I knew better, and ran away. So the wound stays infested.

Of course it has been better. I have less of those episodes for the past few years and I've always managed to overcome it because of the promise that I am more than a conqueror, due to the power of My Savior in me.

However, when the occasion arises when I start to believe in my own abilities of self-medicating, the wounds start to open up again. Then I find myself back in my pain and my sorrow, with added guilt and misplaced pride.

It's in these times when my spirit is crushed, I am thankful that my Savior wouldn't let me wallow for too long. But yet He gives me time as well. Lovingly, He'd watch from afar and see how far I would want to go to the edge of the cliff, without Him. With a gentle knock, I would fall and see that this particular cliff is only but a wave that washes away my carefully built sandcastle. My sand fortress crumbles to reveal the emptiness of my foundation and the frailty of my nature as human. I was too busy building the sand fortress to their exact dimensions and density, that I forgot about the material on which the fortress was build with.

During then, I could either sulk and rage over the wave or fall into a spiral of dejection over my miscalculations, my careful plans. But this Savior would pick me up, brush off the sand that are stuck to my hands and show me that He has a better idea. The idea of Him already build the house on the rock for me and all I needed to do was just to receive His invitation to claim the house as my own. However, I may stay there for a while and then I might think the outside world is a better place, so I go out and misplace the key. Again and again and again. Yet He will always produce the key again and invite me back home. Nowadays He would quickly knock the sandcastle down and produce the key because I already know the drift. I would always be grateful that He still gives me the key. No questions asked. Just the invitation to come home to the house on the rock that He has built. Even if I find myself unworthy to take the key from Him, He gives it to me anyway, telling me that the house is mine to dwell, no matter how many times I misplace the key. As long I come home. As long I let Him lead me home.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Rom 8:1

I need to meditate on that verse more and more.

Ebullient

I haven't been reading Owl City's Adam Young's blog for a while. I really like reading his blog because he writes with a lot of heart and thought. I noticed that many artists I like do write eloquently and with a certain degree of mature insight. Even if it is an emotional post, they paint their emotions so well with words without being overly emotional. You can just feel their pain or their excitement just by the choice of words they use. Or maybe that IS why I like them. I hope one day I will write as eloquently as them, paint my emotions with words. Someday. Someday.

But that's not the reason for this post.

Young recently wrote a post about loving Christ so much that the joy of his dreams, passions and ministry PALES when they are compared to the beauty of knowing Christ.

I admit I often slip to the other extreme, and placing God in the outer circle of my passions. Like I try so hard to separate Him from my other passions. "Oh, we're doing secular songs this round, so erm, I don't know how to glorify Him, so let's just leave it at that." "Oh, we're singing in church. Holy holy holy."

I know it is quite normal to experience this sort of discord, but like Young, I want to move from being passionate about my gifts and ministry alone, to be so much more passionate, if not, most passionate about the Saviour of my soul.

I want to have my mind blown every time I hear and read about Him. I want to be bubbling with so much joy (ebullient!) each time I get to know Him more. Like how He is ebullient when He thinks of His children. If heaven can rejoice over one who repents, it must be that God loves us so much to throw a party each and every time someone turns back to Him.

I need to love You more.


Young's ebullient article here: http://owlcityblog.com/2012/06/04/ebullient/

Bright Lights & Cityscapes

Sometimes I wish I can dance. Right now I will only watch the figurines in my mind. Watch an unveiling of a desiring heart. A hand that reaches out hungrily. A tear that falls from the corner of her eye.

Somehow deep inside, there's a voice calling, "Don't go."

[ekah cover] Mate - Now Again

I was talking about Mate yesterday, and I covered their song yesterday! Hehe.

It's not perfect especially that last part there. Don't know why I did that. Haha. But it's all good.

Lyrics here:

흐릿해져 가요 싸늘하기만한 눈물
무너져 내린 기억은 어떡해야만 하나요
어떡해야만 할까요
지쳐가나 봐요 어둠 속에 흔들리던
떨리는 작은 어깨를 잡아줄 순 없나요
하나 둘 소리없이 모두 그대 곁을 떠나도
걱정하지 말아요 내가 그대의 곁에 있을께

깨져버린 마음 그 틈으로 새어 들던
빛나는 그대의 꿈을 기억할 수 있나요
하나 둘 소리 없이 모두 그대 곁을 떠나도
걱정하지 말아요 항상 그대의 손을 잡아줄테니
저 거친 세상들 속에 맞선 작은 꿈을 보아요
언젠가 펼쳐질 그대의 날들이 환히 빛날 수 있게

먼 훗날 눈부시게 빛날 그대의 하루하루 끝에
환한 미소 줄 수 있도록

저 거친 세상들 속에 맞선 작은 꿈을 보아요
언젠가 펼쳐질 그대의 날들이 환히 빛날 수 있게
내가 항상 곁에 있을께


Still hazy about the translation, but the song is about saying that I'll be there for you even when times are tough.

So now, again, I will be there for you always.

Mate

If I ever joined a singing competition and they asked me to sing a song from my "idol", I would have a hard time convincing the judges. It is either Sara Bareilles for the English song or Tanya Chua for the Chinese or Mate for the Korean.

Mate. 메이트.

I think people who follow me on Twitter and Facebook would be screaming if they hear another word about Mate.

Truth is, I don't know why I love them so much. I just do.

Is it because of their arrangements? Possibly. Is it because of their singing? Not really since they aren't technically superb singers (though they are better than many). Is it because of their cute drummer? Eh, not really. I mean Hyun-Jae is cute and can play a mean drum, but he's not the sole reason why I love Mate.

I think Mate is just that kind of ice cream that you can't really describe the flavor but you just like it a lot.

Mate consists of three guys (poor bassist):

Jung Jun-il 정준일 - vocals, keyboards
Im Heon-il 임헌일 - vocals, guitar
Lee Hyun-Jae 이현재 - drums


Interview with Yoo Hee Yeol.

Honestly, this is a group that I couldn't care less about their appearance, their charisma, their birth dates, favorite pet, etc. This is that kind of group that the talent mattered the most. Now now, I'm not saying that liking Super Junior or Big Bang are entirely for superficial reasons. I know Siwon is good looking and TOP is hot, but that's another matter altogether. Not that I remember their birthdays either. I'm that much of a non-fan. Teehee.

Back to the point. Mate's that group that has the voices that blends with their compositions as well as arrangements that just gets me in a puddle of goo. I think it's because they write and arrange everything. They write well, they sing well, they arrange well. Their lyrics aren't entirely original in the sense of ideas and expression though I am too lazy to try to decipher every song. Besides, excellent lyrics come from Tablo and Mithra of Epik High. But their lyrics are poetic enough, for the ones I know. At least this is one group that doesn't just sing about love. (Ironically, their title song for their mini album is All About Love...haha.) They do talk about chasing your dreams (하늘을 날아 - Flying In The Sky), standing beside you when you feel like the world is falling (이제 다시 - Now Again), saying thank you to their fans (Dear My Mate) and conquer the worlds (Yeah).



Mate doesn't stray too far away from their styles for the past few albums, though they do surprise you still. Even if 안녕 (Goodbye) from the first album sounds like 이제 다시 (Now Again), even if 늦은 아침 (Late Morning) sounds similar to 긴 시간의 끝에 (At The End of A Long Time)..they still surprise me. All the time. I always find something new. Even if Mate is currently on break since Heon-il is in the army, Jun-il released his solo L9o3ve4rs (Lovers) and his compositions sound similar to the contributions in Mate...it is still different. It's not boring. I can listen to their album again and again. And they get better with each album.

I think their latest album "Play" (their OST to their movie of the same name, released in 2011) is the best. Of course I'm bias as anything, since to be honest, Mate has only released 3 albums. Hahaha.

In "Play", they kind of departs from their usual style found in the first album "Be Mate", adding edgier rock sounds but at the same time, you hear it and you know it's so Mate. (In the interview posted above, 'Yeah' and 'Run' are from their 'Transform' single which portrayed a more edgier rock sound but they said this was their natural sound. Doesn't matter to me. I think the two songs are great like the rest.)



The funny thing about Mate is that until now, I still can't really differentiate between Heon-il's voice with Jun-il's voice. Both have similar texture to their voices, which is good and not. Good because the song feels like one. Bad because I can't tell the difference! LOL. So much for being a fan. I kinda get that Heon-il's voice is clearer, whereas Jun-il's voice has more resonance. Heon-il tends to emphasize his ㅅ (s'es) so when he does that, then I'd know it's him. But most of the time, I'm clueless. I think it's because Jun-il carries the songs for most of the time. Here in 이제 다시, Jun-il kinda sings from chorus till the end when Heon-il only sings about one verse at the start. Hee.



One instance when I was watching Kpop Star and one of the contestants Yun Hyeon-Sang sang a song from Lee So-ra, who's another force to be reckoned with. He sang '바람이 분다' (The Wind Blows) and when the song plays, the rearrangement reminded me of Mate. It's not exactly how they would arrange it, but it does sound like it would fit their style completely (especially the starting bit. The end bit would have been rearranged to Mate style fully). And Jun-il would have blew that song to pieces with that kind of arrangement. Not putting down Hyeon-Sang but I immediately thought of Jun-il and his strong voice would carry this song much better. :))

Link to the song. Can't embed it.

Mate can do both rock songs and ballads. Heon-il and Jun-il's voices can carry both genres well and I guess that's what makes their albums exciting. Of course many artists do that, but somehow Mate's way of rearranging them gets me. Their rock songs would be up-tempo and loud, then their ballads will be so quiet.




To the extend of buying their movie drama 'Play' just because Mate is starring in it (almost gonna be so tempted to buy Shut Up Flower Boy Band because of Hyun-Jae being one of the main leads, though my bias is not Hyun-Jae. It's Jun-il, even with his orange hair!) kinda seals the deal for me.

I don't even care if I don't know their birth dates. As long they keep on releasing new albums I'm happy. That's the kind of fandom I'm in for Mate.


헌일 오빠, 빨리 돌아와요!

Practice practice practice

It's already June. Can anyone believe that?

Time and tide waits for no man.

I was wondering about a verse this morning from Ecclesiastes 11.

Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let your hands not be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well. (v6)

Reminds me that I should be more proactive in my time management, because I've been slacking with my training since work in the day time often leave me tired and just want to chill. But after watching Kpop Star (more like watching 4 episodes in one day), I'm determined once again. These kids on the program are younger than me but they worked so hard. Even though the weight of the competition and the burden of overnight fame is upon their young shoulders, they still pressed on.

It's not entirely healthy I must say (the process, that is), but the level of dedication they give to their love for music is commendable enough. Not only that, most have really steady technique. Where they lack in technique, they make up with their sincerity of feelings.

It's also through the show that I have utter respect for JYP. I've said this on my Facebook and it's true. I used to find him odd, but there really is some method to his madness. His obsession towards music may be a little beyond what I would do (the SAME personal schedule for the past 17 or so years), but I could always find his comments helpful though confusing if you didn't know the basics already - Technique alone is not enough, sometimes you need to let go and drown in the song; technique's important in order to sing freely (in regards to breathing); read the lyrics like you would a movie script, not a song, etc.

To be honest, Yang Hyun-Suk's analogies are helpful as well but I kinda lost it when he talked about baseball, because I have no clue about baseball. Not to mention that every time he made an analogy with food, I'm just thinking about the food. The best comment that BoA gave was when she said that when she was 16 and alone in Japan, she hated it when people said she could do it "because she's BoA". It reflected on her humanity. For someone who has debuted since 13 (she's now 26), a lot of years she had to spend it alone and even though people were saying that because they were confident in her, she loathed the comment as it gave her so much burden to exceed expectations. I think that's very brave to own up to that moment of weakness in public TV, showing a glimpse of how she could have given it all up because of the burdens that were upon her. Sad life, an entertainer's life is.

Anyway, back to topic. I always want to sing like the Koreans do (mind you, not so much the idols, but the veterans who have been crooning ballads) because when they sang, they sang with as much emotions as if they were singing their life story. At the same time, they possess really strong technique. You can listen to their voice again and again because their voice tone is just full of color. Added the emotions and bam! they speak right into your soul.

I guess that's why a lot of soundtracks get popular. Because even if international fans didn't understand the lyrics, the songs and the way they were sung hit the right notes of the emotions.

And though talent is very much in their game, their hard work is one that really pushed the limits. I remember Jung Yeop of Brown Eyed Soul mentioning that he didn't think he had a great voice, so he practiced day and night. I remember Bada (formerly of idol group S.E.S) would practice deep into the night and got arrested once for disturbing the neighbors! Look where their voices put them now. Jung Yeop sings for a lot of soundtracks and his songs are some of the most soulful hits. Bada is known as one of the best singers in Korea.

I can name a whole lot more. And it's not just ballad singers. Hip hop singers, electronica singers, and even idol singers (who I think work the hardest because of the image they just have to uphold in international arena) work their butts off.

I don't know how they do it. They don't seem to sleep even though everyone says that sleep is important to the voice. They would practice till 3 am, memorizing the lyrics and choreography, etc. It's crazy. So crazy.

But I'm inspired by their tenacity. No matter how ugly the industry is, and you may have people who are in just for the fame, but many of them are passionate about what they do. And that is what keeps them going. The music industry in Korea changes quickly. One day you're in, and the next day you're out (to quote Heidi Klum). So what do these people do? They keep working hard.

Where does this leave me? I still struggle with my lack of practice. I don't see myself working myself to the core though sometimes I really think I should. But I think that every time I feel like giving up, I will remember these Korean people and inspire myself to work harder. It's a flawed system, to be honest, but the fact that they are working so hard for their passion, reminds me that I should always work hard for my passions.

Revisiting

I think if I had to count the number of posts about my crossroads from the very beginning when I started blogging, it would be a handful.

Yet here I am again, revisiting my old problem with new maps.

I used to trust my instincts when I make decisions. Now I over think my decisions and really hope to make the best choice. Maybe it's because I realised that time is so important and there isn't really much time left. Maybe I just didn't want to face reality, that life will have more difficult decisions. It will never be always just about what to eat, or what clothes to wear, or to take it more seriously, what toy to ask the parents to buy.

God, it's me again, asking for the same thing again. Help.

God's Perfect Timing

I believe that God really like to bring us to places that pushes us to trust in Him.

It's been a wonderful journey.

I had the opportunity to appear in TV for the very first time. It was both exciting and I was nervous to bits. I thanked God for the opportunity.

Then it was taken away. They needed less people so I couldn't be a part of it anymore.

Needless to say, I was disappointed. Thanks to Google, I searched on Christian articles that deals with disappointments. An article puts it aptly, "Let's receive success and failures with grace."

Ah, grace. Grace is a mark of humility. I decided to pray about this, saying that it's God's plan. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

With that performance down, I can also focus on other stuff, which is just as well. I think to myself that perhaps God has other plans and maybe this is not a road that I will walk upon.

Dealt with that in a day, not depressed over it or anything, which on hindsight, it's really the grace of God that is increasing daily in my life. In the past, I would have cried or be depressed and would have asked God "why??". Perhaps due to a recent conference, sitting with Ravi Zacharias as he expounds on the problem of pain, has taught me. Like Job, there is pain, but the question to ask God is "Is there a view that I do not have?"

I think the view is God is sovereign. God has His plans, always. That is the kind of God that I have. Always faithful, always knowing the best.

Unfortunately, I still slacked a bit in my training because of this, but thank God I kept my diet free from snacks and stuff.

Then on Friday morning, I got a message to ask whether I am available to come back in because one person had to pull out. I couldn't believe my eyes. Here is God, giving me back the opportunity. Cannot thank Him enough.

So the most important lesson that I've learn from this journey is not how to sing confidently on TV and with a bunch of fantabulous singers, or how confident the emcee is. It's that God always has a plan and He knows exactly what He is doing. Sometimes He takes away to teach us a view that we do not have and cannot see, so that in the end, like the blind man who, when he removed the mud from his eyes, can see.

And that is the beauty of the Lord.

Moving On

When I was 17, I thought I wanted to save the world, or at least be part of saving the world. I had grand dreams, ambitions that are far beyond my reach. When I was 17, nothing was impossible.

When I was 19, I still had the same dreams. In fact, my dreams grew bigger because I wanted to be a part of a specific industry to save the world. I wanted to write inspiring thoughts, encouraging rhymes and moving dialogues.

Then uni kinda mellowed me down a lot. I realised life was not as grandiose as it seems and many things don't often go the way you want them to. Working with people made me realised that there are more to my idealistic fanfare.

Now I'm moving into my late 20s. Growing up, working, bearing responsibilities...it's a choice of how I respond to the different transitions and challenges that come my way. Do I bear? Do I pick up? Do I leave and run away? When I was younger, I thought I had lots of choices in life and I'd never regret any, but now in my late 20s, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to wonder what life would be if I had thrown caution to the wind and took another path? Or another? Or another?

Then I have to look forward, pick my battles, win some, lose some. Struggle through relationships, friendships and facing me in my own mirror. What I used to laugh at, I now sober up and go on a philosophical argument with myself, or vice versa.

I will keep on wondering about my choices. Love some, regret some. But when it's time to move on, I may drag my feet and cry murder, but at least every new day I will always have a surprise. Maybe I am more disciplined today, maybe I'm less tomorrow. Maybe I've understood my friend better yesterday, and then maybe I'd argue with her today. A surprise may not always be pleasant, but at least it shows that I'm living and that I'm moving. Whether I'm moving backwards (God forbid!) or moving forwards, it's an ebb and flow of life which I may seem to resign to for now, but perhaps one day, the strong undercurrents will find its way to move me back to my idealism. Or even better, to stronger, more passionate and more purposeful thoughts (maybe add more structure to it) and actions.

Amateur?

I'm inspired by amateur street performers because they are bold and unafraid to perform in public, even if there are no audience and even if they don't get paid. These people are really in for their passion.

A Lesson On Humility

What happens when something you thought so sure comes right back to smack you on the face?

I believe God was teaching me precisely about that in the last weekend itself.

Looking back, I realised I was like the fox that ate sour grapes. I was not confident but I pretended to be.

What happens when everything you are sure of gets stripped away?

Then you are left in that empty shell of nothingness.

I went out pretentious, I left with brokenness.

Looking back, God was teaching me that failures are inevitable. Things can break me. I may not be as strong as I appear to be. Because that is when God precisely wants me to look to Him and depend fully on Him. COMPLETELY.

I'm so used to successes that when failures come I am shocked. But I think He wants to strip my false confidence away and reveal what an ass I can really be, then truly be so broken that He can use me.

Forgive me Lord for being so proud. You alone are to be glorified and I am really but a wretch. But Your grace is sufficient for me and You bring down the proud but lifts the lowly. Those who fear You, You will not forsake. Lord I am in anguish but I know You are teaching me that failing doesn't mean it's the end of the world. I know You are teaching me to accept failures and defeats with grace and humility. Help me to work harder. Help me to practice day in day out. Help me to be humble and be compassionate. Break the pride within me. In the end, all is for You. It's Your glory that I should pursue, not mine. Teach me that Lord.

Gifted

This boy is so young yet his voice packs a punch. At the same time, you know that this is not just a voice, it's a gift. Blown absolutely away by this kid. And what does he do with his voice? He praises God, the One who gave him the voice. When I hear him singing, I can't help but acknowledge that this is not just human effort. This is God-anointed.

So inspiring, so humbling, so thankful for voices that are used to praise God. May he continue to praise God with his voice, because God deserves the best.

Yes, I said it like that. God deserves the best.

Summer Is Over

But summer is over
We were tangled in the morning sun
Felt you getting colder
And we knew that we would come undone
And it’s back to my town, back to your life
Gray skies are blowing a kiss goodbye to the lovers
‘Cause summer is over.
- Summer Is Over, Jon McLaughlin ft. Sara Bareilles

Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God

Last weekend was one of the most celebrated events of the Christian tradition. After 40 days of Lent, starting from Ash Wednesday, we had Palm Sunday just the weekend before and then came the most important event: Good Friday and Easter Sunday or Resurrection Sunday.

Every year Christians would celebrate this day as it is the very event that laid the foundations of Christianity - the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, defeating sin and death through the cross and through His resurrection.

This year I was slated to perform for the Easter skit.

I can honestly say I wasn't thrilled about it at first. Not because of the weight of Easter, but because I just didn't want to get myself involved in another production so soon after Christmas. Maybe because I didn't want to be tied down to just performing in church alone.

But over the course of a month that we took to prepare for this, I am moved from a reluctant participant to one who could rejoice in my participation.

God has His mysterious ways.

When I first got the part, I was really feeling a little depressed about missed opportunities. I had just auditioned for a few companies by sending my demo in, but when I sent out the emails, I knew I wasn't going to get it. And I was right. But it left me feeling dejected nonetheless, hence when I was called to sing for Easter, I wasn't feeling enthusiastic at all. I was, in other words, drained and tired.

Then I went for the first rehearsals, still dragging my virtual feet, when I first tasted the grace of God. I started to see a sparkle of passion and enthusiasm the cast had and being in love with the theatre, it was a small delight to see the planning. But I was still largely disinterested.

Then I flew off to Korea for a trip. There, my mom made a remark about thanking God for opportunities and even when you don't feel like serving, you go in with a willing heart nonetheless. Those words pricked me as I reflected on her words. It was true. This is an opportunity to sing and this is for God. People in church are giving me the opportunity and I shouldn't waste it. I didn't ask for this, it was given. So I must serve. Willingly.

When I came back to another bout of rehearsals, I still haven't found my guitarist, so I remembered my new found friend who played for us during Christmas and he immediately said yes. Honestly I was unsure about his acoustic guitar skills since he plays electric guitar most of the time for worship service. But there was that faith in me that knew he could do the job. I remembered his passion and willingness to serve and that inspired me more, especially after we locked down the songs and started practicing.

As I see the production and the story just taking its shape, I was no longer disinterested. Somehow my passion came back and I was determined to make the most out of this God-given opportunity. Then a challenge came. I had to act while I sing. Theatrical singing is never just singing. It requires much more, it requires a certain amount of acting. To me, the first song I had to sing, which was a hymn, was by far one of the most difficult songs I've had to convey. How do you sing "Were You There" in 4 stanzas and coloring it differently for each? I voiced my concern to my director who thought it's not something that I can't do.

Remembering Christmas' production last year, he had faith that I could pull off the acting. I knew I could but it was difficult nonetheless. Last year I had a duet partner. This year I was completely alone. With only a guitar. Last year I at least had a pianist, a violinist and a bassist as well. So I was greatly distressed. And so I knew I had to practice harder. Not only so, since this was an Easter skit, it is bigger! It is about Christ dying and resurrecting again! This is the foundations of our faith and the best time to convey that to non-believers. My concern was that how do I deliver a song that would draw people to Him?

After the first full dress rehearsal, the director really liked my performance, but my weakness is that my performance may be alright now, but during the real day, I would be all nerves and that would be not cool at all.

But my director said something prior to the rehearsals. He said that we are all cracked vessels. None of us are perfect and so we need to let the Holy Spirit fill in the cracks and the gaps.

He was right. It's not my show. It's not about how well I can cry and stifle my voice to imitate a crying voice. It's about serving God and just giving our best to Him. We are not perfect, but God can use the imperfections and make it something totally out of the ordinary.

And I had to sing my lines in phrases so I couldn't take breaths in between words that aren't a phrase. And that was difficult. I had to challenge myself further technically. How do I balance between technical and emotions?

I couldn't do it for the next few final rehearsals so I had to switch the key of the songs, probably exasperating my poor guitarist friend. I still couldn't do it. This was when God provided me with help, in the form of my cell member, who is a professional singer. I have never really talked to her about singing because either my pride was in the way, or what I don't know, but I thought it was awkward to ask about singing techniques and stuff. I didn't think many would be so willing to help. But she did, bless her heart. She gave me some tips, rather, reminded me of the basics which I had already known but have forgotten.

Armed with tips and new strength from God, I could finally do it. Then comes the emotions part again. Finally I surrendered everything to Christ telling Him that He would have to help me on that. Because I know I can't do it on my own.

Again, God works in mysterious ways.

Before the shows on the real day, I prayed that God will use us mightily as vessels for His glory. We've had two performances. One on Saturday and one on Easter Sunday itself.

I didn't do technically well on both days. Sunday was the worst.

Funny when sometimes you pray for God to help to hit the pitch correctly, you'd miss them? Yeah, it was like that. Saturday I was almost outdone by my nerves though it got better. And I knew the emotions were there as well.

But Sunday.

Sunday was a different story. Somehow maybe the day of resurrection itself struck a chord within me, but I was suddenly in a frenzy of emotions. I was feeling teary even before I stepped onto the stage. And so I struggled to control the emotions. But the emotions came flooding out bit by bit, through the unstability of my pitch and then ended off with a total grief. I did not cry nor did tears flow, but my heart was really a mess.

Looking back, I really didn't know what happened except I was reminding myself that I need to color my stanzas. I need to hit the pitch. But the emotions part, really how it came to be, still boggles me. I can only explain that God was working in me as He is working in the hearts of those who listened.

I thought back to the cross when Jesus died, how He died a painful death, for our sins. On Good Friday, He died for our pride, our sins and our selfishness. Then when He was laid in the tomb, it was the finality. Someone who loved us so much, died for us.

When it was time to sing the second song which was about Christ, a risen Savior, I was still reeling from the emotions of the first song. But I had to remind myself that Christ has risen and Christ has overcome. That day I could sing those lyrics true to my heart. Though my pitch failed, though I was technically weaker than Saturday, I could testify that God is truly stronger and that Christ has really overcome.

After the service, many people came up to me and was commenting on how powerful the first song was. I could only credit it back to God. I remember after singing the first round, I murmured a quick confession to God that I wasn't focused on Him but was thinking about my techniques and the coloring of the stanzas. On Saturday I had relied on Him but Sunday it seemed as if I forgot.

And God works in mysterious ways.

I could only say that this experience caused me to acknowledge that He alone deserves the glory. I always believed that with my weakness in my technicalities, God will somehow use me anyway. This gift and these opportunities to sing will always be credited back to God only because without Him, I wouldn't have done it.

So all in all, it's Christ alone. The One who deserves all the glory.

Free-falling

Picture from site


Though I would NEVER attempt skydiving due to my fear of heights (the experience would be wasted on me anyway), I do wonder how is it like to free fall. I wonder how does it feel to be totally weightless, yet diving down in high speed with all the preparation in the world, and then none.

Life works that way too sometimes. Sometimes it does feel like I'm free-falling through life without knowing what is ahead. I'm prepared, and I'm totally unprepared.

In skydiving you need to know how and when to pull your chutes. In life, it's the same I suppose. Or do I keep free-falling and wait for His arms to catch me? Will it be too late? Or did He give me two chutes to pull with instructions of how and when to pull?